Feb 22, 2011


It's been a while, but a topic has recently come to my attention that must be addressed.  Zombies.  Who are they?  What do they want?  Why do non-infected human beings insist on mercilessly killing them?  I will answer all of this and more.

False depiction of zombie.
Who are zombies?  Zombies are, first and foremost, people.  They are sick physically and mentally, but they are still people.  Some believe they are subject to an evil overmind who has raised them from the dead, but this is not true.  These people would be confusing zombies with undead.  Zombies are living, breathing human beings who have been infected with the zombie virus, which changes their genetic structure to make them more prone to violent tendencies and physiologically less dependent on the normal organs that a human requires to live.  The virus actually creates a new section of their brain, which I have taken the liberty of naming "the zombellum."  The virus does not, however, turn them into mindless killing machines.  Their culture has evolved in such a way that they have more fully embraced the violence that is present in their zombellum, but this does not mean that they cannot resist it.  They are often referred to as a different race than humans.  I think that this is fair because the zombie virus changes them immensely.  However, we must never forget that they are, in all actuality, humans.  They still have the benefit of agency, and although some may be addicted to the taste of the human brain, these creatures are not monsters.  Chocolate fudge actually makes a good substitute for brains, or so it seems with the numerous zombies I have tested.

Another fake zombie.
What do they want?  They, being humans, thirst after knowledge.  They just want to better themselves, and benefit society.  Their aims are noble and wise.  Unfortunately, when the zombellum is allowed to take over their being, judgment is impaired, and as a consequence they go out seeking human brains.  Now, you and I know that eating brains won't actually make you smarter, but to a common zombie this simple truth is not so plain.  Their culture is young, and their language is unsophisticated, so actions (their only real form of expression) tend to become the social norms.  There is actually some research on supposed zombie art found in Norway, but it has not been studied enough to qualify it as formal evidence of zombie free expression.  If we only attempted to communicate somehow, we could teach them that they don't need to eat brains in order to better themselves...  They just want to be accepted and they don't know how to gain that acceptance.

Evil propaganda.
Why are the virus-free humans bent on the destruction of these unfortunate virus-carriers?  Well, obviously the virus-free homo sapiens is concerned for his/her own safety, and wanting to preserve his/her brain.  This is perfectly normal behavior.  Self-preservation is the most basic instinct, and humans have the right to follow that urge.  The problem arises when people decide that the proper course is to mercilessly destroy any infected being.  I ask you this:  is it fitting and proper behavior for a human being possessing all of the privileges and responsibilities of agency to obliterate a zombie female's central nervous system with a sawed-off shotgun?  How can non-infected humans claim to have the moral high ground on zombies when they seek after brains with a greater degree of lust and hatred?  It is my personal theory that zombies embraced their violence-prone culture as a result of their human interactions.  Perhaps more funding should be put into the zombotomy research fund.  (A zombotomy is a new surgery designed to remove the zombellum, but the technology is fairly new.)

 I don't move for complete anti-violence.  As I stated before, one has every right to defend oneself.  I only want zombies to be treated as equals.  Previously, zombie killing has not been considered a crime in any of the 50 United States.  They have been viewed as inferiors, and considered a virus in of themselves.  Specially trained teams have been employed to eradicate them from the Earth.  We need to be the bigger people, and stop the hate.  All I am saying, is give peace a chance.


  1. Are you using zombies as a metaphor for the gays? Cause that's what it seems like. Either way, I'm afraid of both of them.

  2. Haha nope. Zombies are not a metaphor; they're the real deal. I hadn't thought of that.